New Year Resolution 2009

New Year Resolution 2009:

Start living again.

No more negative attitudes towards life.

My life cannot possibly be any worse than 2008. 2008 was a shit year for me, health wise and career wise.
I had to use a walking stick permanently, lost my job, took out ill health retirement.

My only blessing was being able to change fields and start a PhD, but that turned out to be a complete disaster as well.

I am not able to do it. My dreams of being a Dr and an acaedemic is floating far behind me. I lack the energy, the eyes and the determination.
Yes, I am going blind. Thanks to my MS, my optic nerves are damaged. Words are floaty when I read and I can't focus.

I was given a Kurt Cobain book for Christmas. Loved it. I used to love Nirvana. A copy of a hand written note in the book: "I hate myself and I want to die." reflected how I feel. I cried. I want to die but I am too much of a wimp to do it myself.
This is my depression talking, I know this much. But when am I able to snap out of this black hole?

I promised my boyfriend that I will snap out of it. I am not the same girl he met me two years ago. I was an easy go lucky girl, bubbly and fun. I want to be like her again. It pains me that I am so sad now. And I know it hurts my boyfriend too, because there is nothing he can do. He tries, but it's hard for him. I am so thankful that I have him. He keeps me on the straight and narrow, otherwise I am certain that my black hole would be much bigger.

So, 2009, I will try my damn hardest to be happy.

No promises though....

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