How to lose friends and alienate people...

My boyfriend and I watched the film last night. It was alright, the storyline was irrelevant to the title really. Let me tell you how to lose friends and alienate people properly: I am doing it first hand right now.

Ever since my diagnosis nearly five years ago, I have turned from a happy, energetic, fun-loving girl into a miserable old git who don't do anything. It's like what Cheryl Cole said about her trek up Mount Kilimanjaro for Comic Relief: She moaned so bloody much the first three days that she got so sick of hearing her own voice, and that was when she realised she had to just get on with it!

I am tired of moaning and being miserable too. I guess I just have to get on with it and try to be happy again too. I know it can happen, but my perception of happiness is so distorted, because I want to be happy as a normal, healthy person, but I can never be happy like this, because I am not normal and healthy.
I have to do things within my limits and be content with that. This I have to learn.
I have been trying so hard to be normal, failing miserably, hating myself for not being able to do it, getting more and more depressed, and shutting myself off from everything, especially all my friends.

I don't think I have lost my friends yet, but I sure have alienated myself from them. I don't talk or see them anymore, not through not wanting to and definitely not through them not trying. But it's hard. I am not the type to open my heart, I hate talking about myself and my feelings, because I hate feeling weak and vulnerable. I have had to be strong and independent for so long when I was growing up that having to depend on people feels wrong. It makes me feel like a failure. I know I am talking absolute crap, enough years of therapy have told me that. But change is never easy, especially not for someone as stubborn as me.

My boyfriend gave me a good talking to last night. Told me to my face what I was doing and how crap I am being, how I should stop feeling sorry for myself and just get on with it. And right he was too. He tries so hard, god bless his heart, and I love him to bits for that. And I know I am just not the person he met two years ago. But shit just keeps coming my way - I was made redundant, then lost my funding for my PhD, suffered various relapses, can hardly walk now and going blind. I am a tiny shadow of my old self, I sometimes wonder why he is still with me, he's a saint for doing so. I don't know what I would do without him.
So I forgive him for making me cry myself to sleep last night......
But will my friends forgive me......?

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When it's over, it's over.....

A quick update before my drugs take effect and I pass out.....

My new year's resolution is not going well at all, and it's only March!!

My PhD funding got terminated at the end of January, due to my lack of progress, so they said. Lack of progress - surely they knew why I was lacking in progress?!!  The university had covered their tracks so well that I don't think I am able to sue for discrimination, and it was blantant discrimination.  My ex-supervisor has been a complete bastard and a coward.  He didn't even have the guts to tell me face to face or by phone.  Instead he just wrote a pathetic letter.  

They knew I had MS.  They knew I was suffering from depression, when there are days I can hardly get out of bed.  They knew I have suicidal thoughts.  They knew I was going blind and can't read very well.  They knew I have memory and concentration problems.  They knew I suffer from severe fatigue.  They knew it all, because I had told them right from the start.

My dream of being a PhD is no more.  This was my second chance of doing a PhD.  Right before I was diagnosed nearly five years ago, I was applying to do one.  Obviously that ended.  I thought I could finally fulfill my ambition with this PhD, but that ended also.

Is this the price I have to pay for having MS....?

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