A mini Red Adventure

Clark took me out for a couple of rides last weekend.  

One was to a meeting at Bar Italia in Soho for scooter enthusiasts, scooterists apparently as Clark just rightly corrected me.  It was really nice to see so many classic scooters.  We then went for a ride up to North London, it was like being in Quadrophenia, was definitely a bit of a mod thing as lots of the scooters had Union Jacks on them and of course the riders had the appropriate mod haircuts.  I of course wore my red helemet and red coat.  We drew quite a lot of attention on the roads as you can imagine since so many scooters revved up quite a bit of noise.  We then went for pie and mash, very mod indeed.

A very nice day out, what an adventure!

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I love my red helmet!!! :-)

Just came back from my first ride, was so much fun!!

It was even better riding in the sun, felt so free, although I was a little bit anxious about falling off at first, but it was fine. 

Will need to get a protective jacket soon though just in case I do come off, which hopefully will not happen, as Clark is a very good rider, he even got a minor fault for driving too cautiously during his test!!  So I am sure I am in very good hands.....

Cool rider

Woo hoo, Clark has finally passed his bike test!!  I can finally break into my brand new bright red helmet, given lovingly as an anniversary present; allbeit two months too late!

Live life dangerously, and why not?!

Can't wait! 

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How to lose friends and alienate people...

My boyfriend and I watched the film last night. It was alright, the storyline was irrelevant to the title really. Let me tell you how to lose friends and alienate people properly: I am doing it first hand right now.

Ever since my diagnosis nearly five years ago, I have turned from a happy, energetic, fun-loving girl into a miserable old git who don't do anything. It's like what Cheryl Cole said about her trek up Mount Kilimanjaro for Comic Relief: She moaned so bloody much the first three days that she got so sick of hearing her own voice, and that was when she realised she had to just get on with it!

I am tired of moaning and being miserable too. I guess I just have to get on with it and try to be happy again too. I know it can happen, but my perception of happiness is so distorted, because I want to be happy as a normal, healthy person, but I can never be happy like this, because I am not normal and healthy.
I have to do things within my limits and be content with that. This I have to learn.
I have been trying so hard to be normal, failing miserably, hating myself for not being able to do it, getting more and more depressed, and shutting myself off from everything, especially all my friends.

I don't think I have lost my friends yet, but I sure have alienated myself from them. I don't talk or see them anymore, not through not wanting to and definitely not through them not trying. But it's hard. I am not the type to open my heart, I hate talking about myself and my feelings, because I hate feeling weak and vulnerable. I have had to be strong and independent for so long when I was growing up that having to depend on people feels wrong. It makes me feel like a failure. I know I am talking absolute crap, enough years of therapy have told me that. But change is never easy, especially not for someone as stubborn as me.

My boyfriend gave me a good talking to last night. Told me to my face what I was doing and how crap I am being, how I should stop feeling sorry for myself and just get on with it. And right he was too. He tries so hard, god bless his heart, and I love him to bits for that. And I know I am just not the person he met two years ago. But shit just keeps coming my way - I was made redundant, then lost my funding for my PhD, suffered various relapses, can hardly walk now and going blind. I am a tiny shadow of my old self, I sometimes wonder why he is still with me, he's a saint for doing so. I don't know what I would do without him.
So I forgive him for making me cry myself to sleep last night......
But will my friends forgive me......?

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When it's over, it's over.....

A quick update before my drugs take effect and I pass out.....

My new year's resolution is not going well at all, and it's only March!!

My PhD funding got terminated at the end of January, due to my lack of progress, so they said. Lack of progress - surely they knew why I was lacking in progress?!!  The university had covered their tracks so well that I don't think I am able to sue for discrimination, and it was blantant discrimination.  My ex-supervisor has been a complete bastard and a coward.  He didn't even have the guts to tell me face to face or by phone.  Instead he just wrote a pathetic letter.  

They knew I had MS.  They knew I was suffering from depression, when there are days I can hardly get out of bed.  They knew I have suicidal thoughts.  They knew I was going blind and can't read very well.  They knew I have memory and concentration problems.  They knew I suffer from severe fatigue.  They knew it all, because I had told them right from the start.

My dream of being a PhD is no more.  This was my second chance of doing a PhD.  Right before I was diagnosed nearly five years ago, I was applying to do one.  Obviously that ended.  I thought I could finally fulfill my ambition with this PhD, but that ended also.

Is this the price I have to pay for having MS....?

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New Year Resolution 2009

New Year Resolution 2009:

Start living again.

No more negative attitudes towards life.

My life cannot possibly be any worse than 2008. 2008 was a shit year for me, health wise and career wise.
I had to use a walking stick permanently, lost my job, took out ill health retirement.

My only blessing was being able to change fields and start a PhD, but that turned out to be a complete disaster as well.

I am not able to do it. My dreams of being a Dr and an acaedemic is floating far behind me. I lack the energy, the eyes and the determination.
Yes, I am going blind. Thanks to my MS, my optic nerves are damaged. Words are floaty when I read and I can't focus.

I was given a Kurt Cobain book for Christmas. Loved it. I used to love Nirvana. A copy of a hand written note in the book: "I hate myself and I want to die." reflected how I feel. I cried. I want to die but I am too much of a wimp to do it myself.
This is my depression talking, I know this much. But when am I able to snap out of this black hole?

I promised my boyfriend that I will snap out of it. I am not the same girl he met me two years ago. I was an easy go lucky girl, bubbly and fun. I want to be like her again. It pains me that I am so sad now. And I know it hurts my boyfriend too, because there is nothing he can do. He tries, but it's hard for him. I am so thankful that I have him. He keeps me on the straight and narrow, otherwise I am certain that my black hole would be much bigger.

So, 2009, I will try my damn hardest to be happy.

No promises though....

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All I want for Christmas...

I hate Christmas.

Coming from an Asian background, we never really celebrated Christmas when I was a kid. And as I grew up and started not going back to Hong Kong for the holidays, I would spend Christmas with my friends' families, depending on who wouldn't mind being intruded that Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I was always made very welcome and loved, and I always had a great time. But then you always had that niggling feeling in your mind thinking that you didn't really belong there because you are not family.

This year, I chose not to celebrate it at all and be a complete bahumbug. I got numerous cards still though and presents from my boyfriend and one from his parents, which was nice. I hope they are having a lovely time. I chose not to go up to his parents' with him. I just wanted some time on my own. My parents are with my brother and his wife. I was half tempted to go to his yesterday, but a bad fall and twisted ankle made my mind up. I am alone, on Christmas day, with a bloody sore ankle.

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